So I got around to playing Dead Space...

What uninspired shit. I mean really, why do we put up with this people? Yeah okay, a couple of nice sections, like the gravity thing. That was OBVIOUSLY made by someone who loved Ender's Game, and understood WHY it was awesome, so of course that's going to be fucking good. But the rest? I mean really. WTF.

Let's start with the interface. The game has almost no actual pause menus, as in shit stops and you get a menu. The whole game, for the most part, just keeps on going, and merely projects a hologram of your inventory/map/objectives into the game world. Genius? Fuck yeah. But it doesn't go far enough. Like the rest of the game, it doesn't follow it's shit out to it's logic conclusion. In this case, it's something as simple as WHERE THE HELL DOES THIS ISAAC SHITHEAD STORE THIS CRAP. Most games don't make you ask this, but if Dead Space wants to get all fancy with it's inventory management* it's gotta go the whole goddamn nine yards. This is a problem we will see alot.

So next up...ehhh...lets go with...enemies. God, if there is a more poorly designed pile of shit foes, I would like to see them. Like before, we start off with a nice idea, where instead of getting headshots, you instead get limbshots, and that kills the necro-whatevers**. Genius? YES! When you take into account that the pistol, which SHOULD be the player's favorite weapon, but isn't, can change it's orientation, you've got yourself the beginnings of something here...but then the designers just have to go and shit all over you again. This time, it comes in the form of enemies whose limbs are a bit tougher to chop off. There are these dudes that the bat dudes make from dead people. The animation for it is kinda cool***.

Anyway, these bat dudes, which are kinda easy to kill, make dudes that are NOT easy to kill. Once again, we're in the cool here. You have a nice little gimmick, that when used properly, could add some nice tension to the fights. But then they go off and put those uber-enemies in places, JUST BECAUSE. Fucking idiots.

You what this game really feels like? Like it started out with one guy, who knew his shit, and he started getting people behind his design, and eventually got the Higher Ups at EA on board. And that must have been happy as shit. I mean, he knew he knew his shit. And now he was gonna get recognized for knowing his shit.

And then came the EA-diots****.

EA-diot:"Hey, we have credits all over the place! Let's put in a store!"
Dude Who Knows His Shit:"No."
EA-diot:"Why not?"
Dude Who Knows His Shit:"Because why would a mining company sell tools to it's own employee's, while it's employee's were ON IT'S FUCKING SHIP?"
EA-diot:"But how will the player get the Assault Rifle?"
Dude Who Knows His Shit:"The player can pick it up from A DEAD SOLDIER."
EA-diot:"Speaking of the Assault Rifle, it's too powerful."
Dude Who Knows His Shit:"It's a goddamn ASSAULT RIFLE."
EA-diot:"Speaking of the Assault Rifle, it's too powerful."
Dude Who Knows His Shit:"Then make it harder to get. Then make it harder to find ammo for. THEN TAKE IT THE FUCK OUT."
EA-diot:"But then what will the player buy at the store?"


EA-diot;"Hey, instead of putting the normal enemies here, lets put the uber-enemies here!"
Dude Who Knows His Shit:"Why? There's no bat dude to make said uber-enemies anywhere in the level."
EA-diot:"Yeah, but the uber-enemies will scare the player because they're hard to kill! And we should be scaring the player at all times! We ARE a horror game after all! You have alot to learn buddy! But that's why I'm here."

etc, etc.

Seriously, that's all Dead Space really is. Intriguing ideas executed very shitily. You're better off play Bangai-O Spirits for the Nintendo DS. Or Shadow of the Colossus for the PlayStation 2. Or Dead Rising for the Xbox 360. Or Rest to Reset. Not anything at all, but there's bett shit out there.

More to come on this later.

*which once again, I wholeheartedly support!
**I might want to talk about the story...but nah.
***In general, I found the graphics quite nice. I am rather fond of Isaac's character design in particular. But the level design...well that's it's own section.
****Do you see what I did there?

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