You know what I fucking love? ACT Uno!

Me: PAC-MAN. Holy shit, I love Pac-man. I mean jesus. Fucking Pac-man. Have you played that shit? Fuck yeah you have, or at least, if you haven't, you'd never admit it*, CAUSE IT'S MOTHERFUCKING PAC-MAN. You know what was great about Pac-man?

Some Dude: The pellets?

Me: FUCK NO**! Not the pellets. That shit was stupid. Fuck the pellets. Seriously, what did they ever do for you man?

Some Dude: Weren't they how you got score?

Me: Well yeah, but shit, it was the 90's. You can't hold it against Pac-man for making fucking pellets raise you score. Sheesh man, you're cold, holding pellets against Pac-man.

Some Dude: I'm not holding it against Pac-man, I'm just saying that they were awesome. Like, the big ones we the best-


Some Dude: but the small ones were awesome too. They were the point of the game!

Me: No they fucking weren't! They were incidental, like some stain on your favorite shirt. I mean, you're not going to fucking throw away the whole damn shirt over one stupid fucking stain, are you?

Some Dude: Yeah, actually I would.

Me: Man, you're fucking cold. You'd throw away all of Pac-man, just over the pellets?

Some Dude: What? No! I don't think the pellets are bad at all, they're just-

Me: You know what, why don't you just shut the fuck up! You wouldn't know good game design if it came up to you in a tea cozy and asked you find the Light of Zarthon! So just sit down, and shut up, cause you're about to get some motherfucking GAME DESIGN.



Some Dude: -stains on a shirt, you went through this-

Me: -SHUTIT! They are like stains on a shirt! They are meaningless! Pac-man is about one thing, and one thing only. And that thing is...drumroll please.

Some Dude: **Stare blankly**

Me: The huntER, becoming the huntED! It's about that interplay, that fascinating dynamic that exists, TO THIS FUCKING DAY, only in Pac-man. I mean, what the fuck? You've got like, a metric fuck-ton of games about fucking JUMPING but like, two (2)
about the HuntER-ED dynamic. I mean really. What the fuck?

Some Dude: Well shit Me, people got lot's of fond memories of Mario. They spent large parts of their childhoods with that plumber. You can't discount that.

Me: And so what, people didn't spend time with Pac-man?

Some Dude: Well no, I'm not saying that, I'm saying that when you, like, look at what those respective properties have become, I mean shit, they're still making Mario games! They probably always will! But Pac-man, I mean shit, even he's gotten into the platforming biz! That's where the money is man! People want to be happy, they want to play like they did as kids, and jumping in videogames does that for them.

Me:...so that's what this is about.

Some Dude: What's about?

Me: Money. You filthy fucking whore. MONEY!? We've got a fucking GOLDMINE of GAME DESIGN, and you're concerned about how it's going to look for your Q4 profit margin? Are you smoking something shit for brains? I'm talking about a quantum motherfucking leap, and you're sitting here pissing your pants about your margins! FUCK YOU MAN!

Some Dude: That's not what it's about Me, you know tha-

Me: NO! You do NOT get to tell ME what this is about! You are not worming your way out of this one! Just because you love videogames as I do, you think I'm going to fucking forgive forever? You think I'm going to ignore the savage RAPING you are giving MY medium? Are you for real? Are you cereal? ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING CEREAL, SHITFORBRAINS!?

Some Dude: Now hold the FUCKING PHONE, when the the hell did it become YOUR medium! We're in this shit together man!

Me: It became MY fucking medium the same second it became your fucking medium: SOTC, second boss, across the narrow bridge. You remember that shit?

Some Dude: Well yeah-

Me: Do you motherfucker? Cause I'm still talking about that shit, and you're talking about your fucking margins, like our medium gives a flying fuck about your MARGINS.

Some Dude: Well shit, if we go the fuck outta business, there won't be no medium will there?

Me: Fuck yes there will still be medium! You think you're necessary for videogames? You ain't shit! You and me, we're going to be fucking footnotes to this shit, you dig? If we pull this off, we'll be nothing more that fucking scholar-wank fodder? You think your MARGINS are gonna save gaming? You think you damn TPS REPORTS are gonna drag our ass into the spotlight, were we can start doing real shit? What the fuck are you on? You're up here **Point to the skies** while I'm down here **point to the Earth**. You're over there with your TPS-DICKHAT, while I'm trying to advance our fucking medium into the future, but talking about a long fucking forgotten piece of brilliance, and your shit-faced-face is over here talking about how that won't sell to our demographics! I'm talking about how Pac-man was a fucking, and still is mind you, was a fucking revolution! I'm talking about how we can use that BRILLIANCE, and distill it to use into our GAMES now, so we can ADVANCE, and move FORWARD, and start doing some FUCKING CRAZY-AWESOME SHIT, and you're up there **Sky again** in fucking CEO land, pissing you pants over how you're gonna market this shit? I fucking hate you!

Some Dude: If you hated me, you wouldn't talk to me.

Me: ...



Some Dude: **Offer kleenex**

Me: **Take kleenex, wipe tears** Wanna talk about Pac-man?

*We gamers are a funny lot, are we not?
**Imagine I say that w/ a Scottish accent. It's 73% more funny.


Just to get this outta the way;



GOW2 post forthcoming. That is all.



Gotta get this outta the way...

First thing; see that post down there? The one that ends with the whimper? You know the one I'm talking about, it's like 2 posts down. For the record, I had a bitchin' ending to that one, but when I hit submit, FUCKING BLOGGER ATE MY FUCKING POST. No really, it was sooooo bad-ass. Argh, it frustrates us!

Also, have you seen Add-Art? This is suck a fucking good idea, I wanna make sweet, sweet love to the dude/ette(s) who thought it up. Seriously.


Did you know...

That despite being fascinated by Mirror's Edge when I saw some real early screen shots, I haven't played it yet, and I'm not really interested in doing so anytime soon?

Am I this fickle? Have my tastes evolved/transfigured so far in what seems like such a small amount of time?

Or did PA's talking about it make me realize that it was yet another case of a game not knowing what made it good, and thus uninteresting to me? Maybe I should play it anyway, to see how you move through that world, because shit, that's why I was interested to begin with?

...When does it hit the bargain bin?

Oh. Poop.

My previous post referenced my Braid post. I have not posted this Braid post. Like many posts, it lies in my drafts folder, forgotten. It is forthcoming.

Wait. No. I did actually post it! So why the fuck was it in my drafts folder?


Just real quick...

I wanna apologize for all those small little nothing posts. I'm trying to change my habits you see, and I figure the best way to do that is to take myself outside of my comfort zone.

But anyway, this post has a real point. No seriously. I just now came to a realization; The reason I love Braid.

Now, normally* I would start talking about the fucking beautiful environments, or the fucking incredible level design, or any of that shit. Basically, I'd start talking about all the shit I talked about in my Braid post.

That post is now obsolete**.

I love Braid because, LIKE Shadow of the Colossus, it is undeniably brilliant, but UNLIKE Shadow of the Colossus, it is NOT undeniably awesome.

Think about when you played SotC***. Think about the overwhelming awesome. Everything was so perfect, not even the crappy frame rate could bring you down****. You saw Wanderer put the chick on the altar, and BAM!, voice from the skies. You got your freedom, and OHSHIT!, you found a Colossus. You shanked the bitch, and FUCK!, you killed it. Each point, you lacked the words to properly describe. You couldn't put this in terms of the other games you've played*****. You were used to games where explosions were GOOD. Where killing bosses was AWESOME. WTF was up with all this feeling bad shit? Fuck these EMOTIONS. FUCK THEM...

Why can't you put this shit down?

...why wouldn't these SOB's just fucking die already? How many times you gotta shank a fuckers magical weak point before s/he gets the message?


...and lastly...


SotC man, it was just to much. I mean, I remember playing it and thinking, Shit, this belongs in my Pantheon of Awesome Games(tm)...but where? Shit, it makes everything else look like crap coming outta monkey's head!

But Braid ain't like that, is it? It's manageable. See, SotC was all about making you feel small. It was about a BIG land, with BIG monsters, and SWEEPING vistas, and shit like that. It was COLOSSAL*******. Every time you killed one of those colossal fuckers, man, it felt like something between a miracle, hard work, and crippling sadness. Compared to them, you were just some random fucker with a magic sword, some arrows, and a horse.

Braid was more...familiar. You weren't small. You weren't puny. You were TIM! The whole fucking world bent to your whims. It was like Mario man! Not just the surface shit, about princesses and crap like that. It was the guts; the fact that the whole world really rotated around YOU. It was made for YOU. YOU were in the drivers seat. YOU had the power...or rather...TIM had that power. You controlled Tim, true, but you WERE NOT TIM. You watched him. You ordered him around. You killed him. You brought him back to life. You shared some of his trials. But you were not at all Tim. You were looking for the princess, sure, but only because that's what Tim happened to be doing when your bitch ass came along. The fucker could want a god-damn sandwich for all your sorry ass cared. As long as you got that sweet, sweet level design lovin', it was all good baby.

But SotC? You WERE Wander. You had to become that motherfucker, you had to take up his cause, just to keep on keeping on. When Wander died, you died. When he fell, you fell.

And when Wander killed, you killed.

*ie, a couple of minutes ago.
**Not really, just a little bit. How can something be little obsolete you ask? YOUR FACE, that's how.
****This is one (1) of the only two (2) complaints I will listen to concerning SotC and take you seriously. See if you can guess what the other one is! It's like a game where you have to associate yourself with a vulgar, chronic-masturbating 19 year-old! Just like Xbox Live!
*****Unless you've played Another World, in which case, nice. Very nice.
******If we figure this out, ladies and gentlemen, we will be fucking golden.
*******Do you see what I did thar?


Turning Over a New Leaf

Turning Over a New Leaf: (We’re trying something new with the topic this month, so please read carefully.) February’s BoRT invites you take a game design suggested by another blogger in last month’s Round Table and build upon it. You should ignore the literary source of the original design, but attempt to communicate the same themes and/or convey the same mood as the proposed game. This means you can alter the game genre, change the setting, and add new layers to the game mechanics. This is not an opportunity to critique a previous design, but to honor it by striving to reach the same goals, while adding your own personal touch.

It's that time of month! No, not cry-into-ice-cream-with-The-Cure-on time, but Blog of the Round Table Time!

So, hey, nice topic. No really. It'll really get more of that yelling at other people feel that I love, as opposed to now, where it's mostly me yelling at...well, you I guess.

So hey, let's see what the submissions were for last round...what do I like...



FUCK YES. OH SWEET MERCIFUL ALLAH, YESSS!!! If that's the god-damn future, sign me the fuck up. I mean look at that design. Holy shit, that's clean. That some fucking antiseptic shit right there. No waste. No fluff. No goddamn mini-games, or power-ups, or anything. Just a nice clean...everything!

...I really have no way to improve upon it...I mean, as an idea, it all simply comes down to execution. If someone hasn't made this by the end of the Imagine Cup competition, which is what I'm doing right now, I WILL make this. Or at least, I'll try. Seriously, this needs to get made, like, NOW PEOPLE.

Okay, moving on. Another post I like, another post I like...hmmm...


O. M. G.

Who wrote this? A professor? Holy shit. This egghead knows more about fucking game design than most damn game designers! I mean, holy shit, it's like Dead Rising meets, Interesting Story. Now, I took a gander at his gamercard, and it doesn't even look like this guy has played Dead Rising. Shit on a motherfucking biscuit. I gotta put this guy in my Outlook RSS feeds man. Seriously.

But alas, we got ourselves some problems. The biggest one is the NPC's. Now I know that the whole point of last months round table was to imagine a game without current technological limits, but to me, that's a cop out. Games need to be played, and if they can't be made, then they sure as hell can't be played. Endless dialogue options? And we would need some kind of 'reputation' system, so the NPC would eventually realize the the player is being an annoying shit by asking all these questions...sounds like a whole can of worms. You're making work for yourself. Games are hard enough to make as is. DON'T MAKE MORE WORK FOR YOURSELF.

Another is your character. Does s/he have a family? Friends? I'm assuming the player has been a citizen of Thebes all his/her life. What about them? Another damn can of worms. It's the kind of design that starts to really fall apart when you really start asking questions. But nonetheless, I like where this is going. A lot. Let's see what we can do.

First thing, the character. I don't like having him/her be a citizen of Thebes. The plague thing I also don't like. Both seem like elements one MIGHT get right, if the stars were aligned, but it seems like you're making work for yourself. Both would take endless tweaking, and some real disbelief suspension from the player. Instead, lets have the player be some kind of messenger from the gods, or something.

No, wait. Not a messenger. Let's go with an entity sent by the gods to...do....what? I don't like the original designs 'hide the task' mentality, because once again, it's an element that you have to get EXACTLY right to pull it off. Once again, you're making work for yourself. Maybe some kind of vague instructions? Like 'find the truth?'...hmm....

Yeah, let's roll with that. Okay, so you're sent down from the heavens. What's our game gonna be. How's the player gonna move? What interactions, if any, will be available to the player? I always wanted to make a game where the only thing the player could do is LOOK...so lets make that the whole mechanic! You're this disembodied camera, floating around*, finding evidence of the truth. You start out in Thebes square, with the whole oracle scene, and then go from there. If you stick to the square, you'll more or less be treated to the whole play, start to finish. BUT, if you start moving around, you'll be able to follow the characters throught their day, see their interactions. See some 'off-stage' stuff that would obviously have to be handled carefully. you know, well-acted, well-written, well-animated, etc. I get the feeling that THIS will be the hardest part. So anyway, as you follow people, or not, you'll acculmulate EVIDENCE. Now obviously, you won't physically pick up this evidence, but you will sorta file it away. I'm thinking something along the lines of Assassin's Creed's whole sub-mission before the kill thing, where you ran around collecting information from people, only this time actually relevant and good and interesting, as opposed to fucking incompetent ass 'Collect the Flags!' shit the AS put you through**.

Now note that depending on who you follow, you could wind up with completely different, and even contradictory notes! This would be the whole point, as when the moment of truth arrives, the Gods will come down and ask you what really happened. You can either tell them what you think, or instead, tell them you need to see the whole thing again. They will oblige you, and send you back into time to the beginning, but this time with all your old notes. Now, you can follow through on leads that you didn't have time for last time around.

So yeah. Not really an RPG anymore, but shit, it never really was one to begin with. More of an adventure game really, only interesting. No stupid, FIND THE BLUE KEY shit. Once again, it's all in the execution. The events that give you notes, the dialog, etc. To be frank, this is probably not a game I would ever make, for that reason alone. It would require a shit-ton of non-design work. A lot of acting, a lot of writing...actually, it doesn't sound that bad when I think about it. Short story of my life man.

*Much like the death cam in Counter-Strike
***I don't actually want to headbutt each of the designers of AS in the gut. But really. Flags?


Did you know that you can use the numbers 1,2, and 3 to change lanes in audiosurf?


Also, blog of the round table post coming.

Also, 360 has returned! Commence Space Giraffe!

Also, buttsecks. Heh. Buttsecks.

Also, Matt Taibbi is hardcore.

Also, I ran out of things to say.

Also, I am on a roll, and don't want to stop.