2/23/09

You know what I fucking love? ACT Uno!

Me: PAC-MAN. Holy shit, I love Pac-man. I mean jesus. Fucking Pac-man. Have you played that shit? Fuck yeah you have, or at least, if you haven't, you'd never admit it*, CAUSE IT'S MOTHERFUCKING PAC-MAN. You know what was great about Pac-man?

Some Dude: The pellets?

Me: FUCK NO**! Not the pellets. That shit was stupid. Fuck the pellets. Seriously, what did they ever do for you man?

Some Dude: Weren't they how you got score?

Me: Well yeah, but shit, it was the 90's. You can't hold it against Pac-man for making fucking pellets raise you score. Sheesh man, you're cold, holding pellets against Pac-man.

Some Dude: I'm not holding it against Pac-man, I'm just saying that they were awesome. Like, the big ones we the best-

Me:-noshit-

Some Dude: but the small ones were awesome too. They were the point of the game!

Me: No they fucking weren't! They were incidental, like some stain on your favorite shirt. I mean, you're not going to fucking throw away the whole damn shirt over one stupid fucking stain, are you?

Some Dude: Yeah, actually I would.

Me: Man, you're fucking cold. You'd throw away all of Pac-man, just over the pellets?

Some Dude: What? No! I don't think the pellets are bad at all, they're just-

Me: You know what, why don't you just shut the fuck up! You wouldn't know good game design if it came up to you in a tea cozy and asked you find the Light of Zarthon! So just sit down, and shut up, cause you're about to get some motherfucking GAME DESIGN.

**breathe**

Pac-man IS NOT ABOUT YOUR SCORE, NOR THE PELLETS. THEY ARE INCIDENTAL, LIKE-

Some Dude: -stains on a shirt, you went through this-

Me: -SHUTIT! They are like stains on a shirt! They are meaningless! Pac-man is about one thing, and one thing only. And that thing is...drumroll please.

Some Dude: **Stare blankly**

Me: The huntER, becoming the huntED! It's about that interplay, that fascinating dynamic that exists, TO THIS FUCKING DAY, only in Pac-man. I mean, what the fuck? You've got like, a metric fuck-ton of games about fucking JUMPING but like, two (2)
about the HuntER-ED dynamic. I mean really. What the fuck?

Some Dude: Well shit Me, people got lot's of fond memories of Mario. They spent large parts of their childhoods with that plumber. You can't discount that.

Me: And so what, people didn't spend time with Pac-man?

Some Dude: Well no, I'm not saying that, I'm saying that when you, like, look at what those respective properties have become, I mean shit, they're still making Mario games! They probably always will! But Pac-man, I mean shit, even he's gotten into the platforming biz! That's where the money is man! People want to be happy, they want to play like they did as kids, and jumping in videogames does that for them.

Me:...so that's what this is about.

Some Dude: What's about?

Me: Money. You filthy fucking whore. MONEY!? We've got a fucking GOLDMINE of GAME DESIGN, and you're concerned about how it's going to look for your Q4 profit margin? Are you smoking something shit for brains? I'm talking about a quantum motherfucking leap, and you're sitting here pissing your pants about your margins! FUCK YOU MAN!

Some Dude: That's not what it's about Me, you know tha-

Me: NO! You do NOT get to tell ME what this is about! You are not worming your way out of this one! Just because you love videogames as I do, you think I'm going to fucking forgive forever? You think I'm going to ignore the savage RAPING you are giving MY medium? Are you for real? Are you cereal? ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING CEREAL, SHITFORBRAINS!?

Some Dude: Now hold the FUCKING PHONE, when the the hell did it become YOUR medium! We're in this shit together man!

Me: It became MY fucking medium the same second it became your fucking medium: SOTC, second boss, across the narrow bridge. You remember that shit?

Some Dude: Well yeah-

Me: Do you motherfucker? Cause I'm still talking about that shit, and you're talking about your fucking margins, like our medium gives a flying fuck about your MARGINS.

Some Dude: Well shit, if we go the fuck outta business, there won't be no medium will there?

Me: Fuck yes there will still be medium! You think you're necessary for videogames? You ain't shit! You and me, we're going to be fucking footnotes to this shit, you dig? If we pull this off, we'll be nothing more that fucking scholar-wank fodder? You think your MARGINS are gonna save gaming? You think you damn TPS REPORTS are gonna drag our ass into the spotlight, were we can start doing real shit? What the fuck are you on? You're up here **Point to the skies** while I'm down here **point to the Earth**. You're over there with your TPS-DICKHAT, while I'm trying to advance our fucking medium into the future, but talking about a long fucking forgotten piece of brilliance, and your shit-faced-face is over here talking about how that won't sell to our demographics! I'm talking about how Pac-man was a fucking, and still is mind you, was a fucking revolution! I'm talking about how we can use that BRILLIANCE, and distill it to use into our GAMES now, so we can ADVANCE, and move FORWARD, and start doing some FUCKING CRAZY-AWESOME SHIT, and you're up there **Sky again** in fucking CEO land, pissing you pants over how you're gonna market this shit? I fucking hate you!

Some Dude: If you hated me, you wouldn't talk to me.

Me: ...

...

**sniffle**

Some Dude: **Offer kleenex**

Me: **Take kleenex, wipe tears** Wanna talk about Pac-man?

*We gamers are a funny lot, are we not?
**Imagine I say that w/ a Scottish accent. It's 73% more funny.

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