6/28/09

God Hand, alas poor God Hand...

We knew thee far to well. Indeed, who amongst us has not played God Hand? For you need not to have put the physical disc into physical hardware to have played this sweet game.

Has thou played A Brawler?
Thou has played God Hand.

Has thou played A Fighting Game?
Thou has played God Hand.

Has thou played Mario?
Thou has played God Hand.

Has thou played an Honest to God Videogame?
Thou has most definitely played God Hand.

To play God Hand, to truly PLAY it, to see it's intricacies, to TASTE it's punches, it's kicks, is to KNOW it.

Here stands a game you know without playing.

Some do not get God Hand. We dare not speak their names, not in it's presence. For other games, for dare we say, LESSER games, the Player 'Not-Getting-It' is a Grade-A Design Flaw; indeed, it is a flaw bordering on a felony, and even the best of us are guilty**. But here, for God Hand, Not-Getting-It speaks ill not of the Game, but of the Gamer. For you see, God Hand is enlightenment; there is nothing to get. The meaning is clear. There is no obtuseness, to hidden messages*, no meaning in the 'artistic' sense. And yet, it is art.

But we digress.

God Hand is game, a game about a Dude with an Awesome Arm That Can Beat Up Everyone. And so he does. He punches, kicks, and punches his way through demon after demon after super-demon after demon.

Has thou read xkcd? Between the half-clever math jokes, underneath the Calvin-and-Hobbes-lite, just to the left of the Lonely Geek, there is an idea for a videogame. River Tam Beats Up Everyone.

GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! The Power of God Hand! Having never played it, this man, this Guy-Who-Makes-xkcd UNDERSTANDS GOD HAND. Such is the power of God Hand.

But wait...it occurs to us that this game...this game that the Guy-Who-Makes-xkcd has thought about...it might even be BETTER than God Hand. Think of it man; the sprawling city of GTA, the delicious mechanics of God Hand.

"But what of Level Design?" you ask?

LEVEL DESIGN IN GOD HAND!?!?! You miserable, insufferable fool! It is the Halo of Brawlers; it needs no level design! Just throw dude/ette(s) into a room, THAT's your fucking level design. Just place a 'checkpoint' at every intersection of streets, and at every door, and that's plenty of 'level design'

Even while we ponder a videogame superior to God Hand, we must marvel at the POWER OF GOD HAND. A game so AWESOME, so BRILLIANT, it contains WITHIN IT, the keys to a STILL BETTER GAME. Some ask for the Citizen Kane of Videogames; gentlemen, we have been gifted with the Deep Thought of Videogames***.

And it was outsold by Kingdom Hearts 2.

*At least, none where there should not be.
**Fighting Games, I'm looking at you. Mark of the Wolves, you are excused.
***Alas, Douglas, you were taken from us far to soon!

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