1/28/16

YES FIRST PULLUP

It was just one, but I did it from resting, with no assist! YES! Personal goal achieved!

I've also come up with this fun workout where I never drop the weights...except when I use the as pushup bars. Fun times :)

1/26/16

Another day, another doc

I did not know you could get CAT scans for your heart! They wanna take a look at my ticker and make sure I don't have...some disorder I don't remember the name of.

Threw out my name resume to a startup. Hoping to hear back - they allow remote!

1/24/16

Another day

Family's starting to ask what my plans are. I was thinking about school, but I don't wanna take on any debt, so I think college is out of the question. Fuck that student loan noise!

Sent an application to the Phoenix New Times. They're looking for a freelance culture writer, and I pitched myself as a videogame writer. Hopefully I'll be able talk about indies in a local paper! That'd be sweet.

1/22/16

I am forced to eat crow!

The RNC, in a show of solidarity with Donald Trump, are uninviting the Nation Review from the next Republican debate. The National Review published an issue dedicated to dissing The Donald, and now...I'm sorry I just literally lolled!

THE RNC.

HOLY SHIT.

THEY REALLY THINK TRUMP CAN WIN!!!!

;3

Sure he can embarrass America. Sure, he can make America take a LONG, DEEP, look into the National Mirror (Reflecting Pool?) But win? No. Remember that the only reason any Republican wins is the dumb rubes who let the dog whistle politics COMPLETELY fly over their heads. The people who tell themselves they like MLK, and that MLK would like them. Meanwhile, they work with their every political action to undermine his legacy.

Self image is important to these people! Trump dispels with the fig leaf of plausible deniability that made the racist, satanic GOP work. He exposes the raw, undulating HATRED that has fueled the rightwing of this country since the beginning, and Soccer Moms (tm) hate that shit. He has no coalition, only VERY LOUD, VERY VOCAL, crazy people.

He has a 0% chance of building a national coalition. He has a 0% chance of building an actual 'ground game' to get out the vote come election day. Trump's whole campaign is nothing but media hot air! What happens when he realizes he needs...discipline? Day in, day out, hoofing to town halls? To local media? He doesn't have the attention span for that!

Yeah he'll make our already rancorous national dialogue worse. But he'll burn out in such a spectacular fashion, ALL of America will come together and sing that great Negro spiritual "Free at last, free at last, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, FREE AT LAST!" One day, your grandchildren will ask you...where were YOU when you learned that the American Hitler lost?

I am a torrent of emotions

Hopeful for the future of the planet, but unhopeful for my own future. I still think Bernie has the nomination (and thus the Presidency) in the bag, but I look to my own future with only trepidation. I can't work, I can't listen, and it pains me. I have no idea how to get on welfare, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't find a doctor to help me, and I'm not looking forward to having to explain myself to my physician.

On the bright side, I am working out way more. I'm also getting some things done around the house. It just feels like treading water on a sinking ship - the certainty of future money problems oppresses my every thought and action. I'm an objective failure, and I have no chance of not being so. I can't use my only marketable talent (programming), since my autism prevents me from focusing on stuff other people want me to do. This was literally my whole problem in industry - management wanted it done fast (measure never, cut a million times) and I wanted to do it right (measure twice, cut once)

I can see myself slowly getting back on an indie track, but that's not going to make any money, ever. Unless I get some kind of big blockbuster, and none of the games I want to make are like that. I can hope and pray, but I have immediate money needs that need to be addressed. I can't even afford my medical marijuana, and without that I feel even worse than normal. Being high is the only time I feel 'normal', like a functioning person. No acting, no anxiety, just serenity.

I miss my medicine, and I miss my independence. I'm doubtless going to be trapped here the rest of my life.

Please God, I need a miracle.

1/20/16

Went to the doctor yesterday.

I hate doctors. I hate the wait, I hate hardly seeing them, I hate being ignored, and I hate being told I need needles in me. I'm never having another needle put in me, as long as I live. I don't give a fuck about drawing blood, or medicine. I'd honestly rather die.

I hate insurance. I hate having to prove I can pay, only to be a told a paperwork issue on the insurance side delayed my visit. I hate having to wait afterwards to get the extra charges cleared. I hate my Dad guilting me afterward - "If you don't want help, just say so, so we can kick you out on the street!"

I can't work, since I can't focus. I have no idea what I'm going to do if the cardiologist tells me I have whatever disorder the doctor hopes I don't have. I'm certainly never getting any bloodwork, since I refuse needles.

I hate doctors.

1/17/16

Funny how much better I feel...

All I've done is get a nice setup in my room. I've fished my computer out of storage, and my big screen is a secondary monitor.

A shitload less depressed! Oh, and the fact that everyone else is gone helps too...

Had to finangle Open Broadcast Software to stream my second monitor, but now I can game in style on either screen. Woot!

1/16/16

On a lighter note...

POLITICS!!!

Trump has no chance of winning either the nomination or the Presidency. The GOP establishment hates him, and he doesn't have the cross country appeal that a 3rd party candidate would need to win independently. His best case scenario is that he kills whoever the GOP nominee winds up being, assuming he's serious (egotistical?) enough to go 3rd party.

Honestly, I don't see any of the Republican's making it past the convention, but at least ONE has to. That's going to be a sickening, terrifying, racist ride folks!

The real interesting contest is on the left. I really think Bernie has the nomination in the bag. Hillary is to 'establishment' to win with the lefty primary voter, and I don't see the rank-and-file taking a step rightward after the enormous success we* had getting Obama into the White House.

My predictions

The Republicans will still be fighting at the convention.  There is no way any Republican can win the White House without ~40% minority vote, and there's no way any Asian, Hispanic, Native, Indian, or Black American votes R for President. The nominee will be whichever racist, anti-Christian ass does the best backroom blowjobs. Any one of them could make it that far, but since none of them really is building the coalition that R's need (Awful idiots that hear the dog whistles + innocent idiots who don't), there's no Presidential timber there.

Bernie will win to many delegates for the Democrats to backroom backstab him at the convention. Hillary's gonna see her machine crap out 'at the last minute' just like last time. IS AMERICA READY FOR A JEW IN THE WHITE HOUSE? Yes, we are.

So it'll be Bernie vs. ???, and that's a contest Bernie can't lose.

HERE'S HOPING FOR MARTIN'S DREAM UNIVERSAL FUCKING INCOME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! *chugs more rum*. This is going to be a very unfun ride!

*I honestly hollered with joy when Obama was the nominee. AND THEN HE WON YES WE CAN!!!

1/14/16

I need to make terms with my past posts

wow I sound like a dick.

So much has changed about me.

I have no confidence in myself

I need a job, as my family is short on cash and I can't mooch off my parents forever. But every time I start to look for one, I am reminded of just how cutthroat those environments feel to me. My only experience is in tech, but my passion for programming is dead. I just get reminded of how little people care about doing a job RIGHT, they just want it done FAST.

FAST > RIGHT

That's the law of tech. The law of Silicon Valley. They favor disruption and destruction over working with and building. There's no love for the human beings behind, and in front of, the tool. It's always about profit, profit, profit, and there's no room to grow or take a breather. They want your soul, your time, and if it's not cool, then leave.

So I did.

And now I'm even more lost. I've found my faith again (thanks God!) but I have no idea how I'm going to make it back to independence. I hate having to move back in with my parents, but my breakdown left no choice. We need money (Mark of the Beast) for food, we need money (Mark of the Beast) for shelter, we even need money (Mark of the Beast!) for medicine. We live in a sick, sick world, and I don't know where I'm going to find my place. I can't make anything worthwhile.

I hate myself, and what I've become. Just a whining white boy, with no hope for the future beyond a life on the dole. FFS, I'm trying to get on welfare out of desperation if nothing else! I feel guilty, like I'm taking money from people who are in even more need, but I have needs and wants and dreams too, and now I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm trying to take everyday as it's own, but every time my thoughts turn to the future, they turn darker.

I'm useless.

1/13/16

I'm unemployed and depressed

The economy is rebounding, and I am falling. I'm watching CoD streaming as I'm writing this, living in incredible luxury (warm bed, my own room) and still I gripe, for I've lost everything.

My love doesn't want to talk to me. She's left me behind, and for good reason. I can't hold a job, can't focus, and was inattentive. She's a model now, just starting her career. She doesn't need me holding her back. My family can't afford my medical marijuana, and the the only time I feel alive is when high.

I don't know where I'm going, what I'm going to do, or why I should even give a fuck.

I hate the tech industry. It's all fast-fast-fast, measure never, cut a million times, and hope that nothing crashes TO badly. I'm autistic, ADD, and have only clothes to my name. The clothes remind me of her, of our time together.

She's not impressed by my desperate rhymes.

I've discovered I'm not bad at freestyling, but not good either. I want to pursue it, but there's no money there. I feel I should go back to tech, but I hate even programming now. I can't focus on a game long enough to finish it, and I've failed at everything I've put my heart into.

Please God, save me.