1/22/16

I am a torrent of emotions

Hopeful for the future of the planet, but unhopeful for my own future. I still think Bernie has the nomination (and thus the Presidency) in the bag, but I look to my own future with only trepidation. I can't work, I can't listen, and it pains me. I have no idea how to get on welfare, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't find a doctor to help me, and I'm not looking forward to having to explain myself to my physician.

On the bright side, I am working out way more. I'm also getting some things done around the house. It just feels like treading water on a sinking ship - the certainty of future money problems oppresses my every thought and action. I'm an objective failure, and I have no chance of not being so. I can't use my only marketable talent (programming), since my autism prevents me from focusing on stuff other people want me to do. This was literally my whole problem in industry - management wanted it done fast (measure never, cut a million times) and I wanted to do it right (measure twice, cut once)

I can see myself slowly getting back on an indie track, but that's not going to make any money, ever. Unless I get some kind of big blockbuster, and none of the games I want to make are like that. I can hope and pray, but I have immediate money needs that need to be addressed. I can't even afford my medical marijuana, and without that I feel even worse than normal. Being high is the only time I feel 'normal', like a functioning person. No acting, no anxiety, just serenity.

I miss my medicine, and I miss my independence. I'm doubtless going to be trapped here the rest of my life.

Please God, I need a miracle.

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