1/14/16

I have no confidence in myself

I need a job, as my family is short on cash and I can't mooch off my parents forever. But every time I start to look for one, I am reminded of just how cutthroat those environments feel to me. My only experience is in tech, but my passion for programming is dead. I just get reminded of how little people care about doing a job RIGHT, they just want it done FAST.

FAST > RIGHT

That's the law of tech. The law of Silicon Valley. They favor disruption and destruction over working with and building. There's no love for the human beings behind, and in front of, the tool. It's always about profit, profit, profit, and there's no room to grow or take a breather. They want your soul, your time, and if it's not cool, then leave.

So I did.

And now I'm even more lost. I've found my faith again (thanks God!) but I have no idea how I'm going to make it back to independence. I hate having to move back in with my parents, but my breakdown left no choice. We need money (Mark of the Beast) for food, we need money (Mark of the Beast) for shelter, we even need money (Mark of the Beast!) for medicine. We live in a sick, sick world, and I don't know where I'm going to find my place. I can't make anything worthwhile.

I hate myself, and what I've become. Just a whining white boy, with no hope for the future beyond a life on the dole. FFS, I'm trying to get on welfare out of desperation if nothing else! I feel guilty, like I'm taking money from people who are in even more need, but I have needs and wants and dreams too, and now I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I'm trying to take everyday as it's own, but every time my thoughts turn to the future, they turn darker.

I'm useless.

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